Fear is an emotion that is an integral part of child's emotional development. It's a powerful emotion, one we enjoy playing with when we feel safe, feeling the adrenaline rush, the thrills… However, unwanted fear can easily disrupt the course of our lives. Understanding where fear comes from child's fears, how to welcome them and especially how to help him overcome them, allows him to live with more serenity.
Understanding the origin and role of fears in children
Children's fears according to age
THE human beings would come into the world with only 2 innate fears Fear of noise and fear of falling are common fears. As children grow, they gradually discover and interpret the world around them. Their fears are the product of their learning, their family environment, and their culture. At each stage of their development, they analyze more deeply and become aware that they cannot control everything. Added to this is a sometimes overactive imagination, which can give rise to feelings of fear. Let's explore, age by age, what is unknown to a child and can unsettle them.
From 8 months old:
- Fear of separation or abandonment;
- Fear of the unknown ;
- Fear of unfamiliar people and places;
- Fear of unknown objects.
From age 2:
- Fear of the dark ;
- Fear of sleeping alone ;
- Fear of monsters ;
- Fear of noises ;
- Fear of the elements (fire, water, storm, thunder);
- Fear of emptiness;
- Fear of particular people (doctor, dentist, bearded man);
- Fear of large or small spaces.
Ages 10 and up:
- Fear of school and/or academic failure;
- Fear of a natural disaster;
- Fear of death;
- Fear of losing a loved one;
- Fear of relationships with others;
- Fear of public speaking;
- Fear of illness.
Why is fear a necessary and protective emotion?
Fear is essential; although unpleasant, it's a messenger that protects us from danger and is part of our survival instinct. Through fear, we learn valuable lessons that allow us to understand future situations and adapt to new conditions. For some, fear is even a driving force that helps them achieve a goal, but this comes with age and an understanding of one's emotions.
Acknowledging and validating the child's fear: an essential step
The importance of active listening and empathy
For helping a child overcome their fears, It is important to listen attentively to build trust. The child should be allowed to initiate the discussion about their own fears and not forced before they are ready.
You can encourage him by asking open-ended questions, such as: Can you tell me what's happening right now? What do you feel in your body when it happens? When is it the hardest for you? These will help you understand his situation and explain that you want to help him, without ever making fun of him.
Indeed, it's perfectly normal for your child to feel fear. Even if you don't understand it, don't try to rationalize it too quickly based on your own feelings., Minimizing or denying fear can intensify it.
Helping the child identify fear
Talking about fear with your child helps them identify their emotion and to put words to what he feels. Here is a selection of books that can help young children put words to their feelings:
You can also give him a sheet of paper so he can express himself through drawing; you'd be surprised to discover details that speak volumes more than his words! To help you interpret, you can even ask him to describe his drawing to you.
How can I tell if my child is scared?
The child may have difficulty expressing their fear, but by paying attention to their behavior you can easily identify symptoms:
- Sweats or cold sweats;
- Tremors;
- Shortness of breath or feeling like you're not breathing properly;
- Stomach aches;
- Dizziness;
- Numbness;
- A feeling of panic or terror;
- Fainting spells;
- Rapid heartbeat;
- Tightness or pain in the chest.
You will also be able to observe unusual changes in attitude for your child's character, in particular three behavioral symptoms that can be "warning signs": flight, aggression and isolation.
Let's take the example of a situation involving school-related fear.
Every morning, your child, beyond the "knot in their stomach," refuses to go to school; they try to flee his fear. You might also notice that your child is becoming more aggressive, He refuses to communicate and becomes irritable. Another warning sign is withdrawal; your child isolates himself in his room and he no longer shares his feelings with you.
When these signs appear or become more pronounced, they should not be taken lightly. A discussion with your child's doctor can help clarify the situation and provide the best possible support; don't hesitate to talk to them about it!
What is the difference between a passing fear and a phobia?
A passing fear is a fear that will naturally disappear over time, by becoming rationalized.
A fear in children becomes more concerning when it:
- is persistent,
- is intense,
- that it impacts the child's life and
- that it causes significant suffering.
This is referred to as a phobia, often accompanied by anxiety and a loss of self-confidence. This will need to be confirmed following a diagnosis by a family doctor, pediatrician, or child psychiatrist.
Guiding the child towards calmness and autonomy
How can you reassure a child who is scared? Parents play a key role in how children learn to cope with their fears: their attitude can either reassure and soothe, or conversely, intensify anxiety. Several tools can be implemented to help your child overcome their fear.
4 concrete strategies to reassure your child
Create a ritual
Creating a ritual allows the child to prepare for what awaits them and thus remove the surprise factors that can lead them to encounter fear.
For example, the bedtime routine is perhaps the most important: a child needs to feel completely safe and secure to drift off to sleep. After the hygiene routine, establish a gentler ritual to help the child relax. You can follow these steps:
- Have the child choose a book and read to them (if your child always chooses the same book, they find comfort in it, that's not a problem, on the contrary);
- Tuck in his bed;
- Place a kiss on her forehead to signify the end of this ritual.
Working on your breathing
Doing breathing exercises or mindfulness meditation It helps to calm anxiety. Indeed, these are techniques that reduce the secretion of cortisol, the stress hormone.
Linking to transition objects
A reassuring object is important because it offers the child a familiar and secure reference point, helping them to soothe their fears and feel protected even in the absence of adults.
Tell stories
THE stories These experiences are important because they allow the child to identify with and experience emotions through them. The child therefore has the control to stop at any time or start again to challenge and learn to face their fear, safely.
FAQ: Helping a child overcome their fears
Can fears suddenly appear in a child?
Yes, some fears can arise suddenly, often following a new or significant experience, or even by observing someone else's fear. A child's imagination can amplify this fear, especially if the event involves something they don't yet fully understand.
Should a child be forced to confront their fear?
No, forcing a child to confront their fear can be counterproductive and reinforce their anxiety. It's better to guide them gradually, respecting their pace, and encouraging them with small, reassuring steps. The goal is to give them confidence and a sense of control.
How can we help a child develop confidence in the face of fear?
By valuing each small step forward and gradually encouraging them to face their fears in a safe environment, patience, empathetic listening, and the establishment of reassuring rituals help to strengthen their sense of security.
Can adults pass on their own fears to children?
Yes, children observe and imitate the emotional behavior of adults. Excessive anxiety or obvious fear in a parent can be perceived and reproduced by the child. Remaining calm and reassuring helps to limit this emotional transfer.
How to distinguish between fear and chronic anxiety?
Fear is usually linked to a specific situation and disappears with time or support. Chronic anxiety is characterized by persistent, diffuse worry that is difficult to control and impacts several aspects of daily life. If a child exhibits symptoms for several months and their functioning is impaired, professional advice is recommended.
When should you worry about fear in a child and why consult a professional?
If you have concerns about your child's well-being, it is important to speak to your doctor. Only they can assess the situation and, if necessary, make a diagnosis.
Generally, a diagnosis is considered when symptoms or difficulties have been present for at least 6 months and have an impact on the child's daily life.
Certain warning signs may warrant a consultation, but seeking professional advice does not signify parental failure. On the contrary, the professional is there to guide, support, and help the family better understand the child's needs and implement appropriate solutions.
In short
- Fear is normal in children and helps them to protect themselves and learn; it evolves with age.
- It is important to listen to the child with empathy and validate their emotions. Adults should remain calm, encourage small steps forward, and never force the child to confront their fear.
- Signs of fear can be physical (trembling, sweating) or behavioral (flight, isolation, aggression).
- Rituals, comforting objects, reading, and breathing exercises help the child manage their fears.
- A fear becomes concerning if it is persistent, intense and impacts daily life, and may require the help of a professional.
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- Children's emotions: understanding and providing better support
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- Helicopter parenting: overprotecting your child at all costs?
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